My friend Amy started this tradition she called The April Halloween the first spring after we graduated from college. I guess she did this because she felt April didn't have enough pizzazz as it was. Or because she wanted all the fun of Halloween without the attendant commercialization propagated (allegedly) by the Hallmark Corporation. Or maybe she felt dressing up shouldn't be committed to the sidelines like that anymore. Dressing up deserved better. I don't know. We went along with it. That was Amy, it was a party, whatever.
And I say she started this tradition because it was very clear, even before the invites for the first party went out, that this was going to be her little tradition, maintained strictly and yearly. The April Halloween party was here to stay.
It turned out to be a pretty big party. There were a bunch of us who hadn't moved out of the city since college ended, so the social network was still pretty much intact. Plus whatever new faces we'd closed in on since graduation. So it was lively occasion. The joint appeared to be jumpin', as they say.
Jack came as the back half of a donkey. (There was no front half). Andy was the scariest clown you've ever seen. There were two Britney Spears Schoolgirls (one male, so it wasn't a scene). Karen was a dominatrix, but for some reason she was as a dominatrix wearing bunny ears. Is being dominated by bunnies a new sub-genre of S&M;? I do not know.
Amy was dressed as a Barbie doll. I ask you: what the fuck is that? That's barely even a costume, for her. A blonde girl with nice tits is Barbie EVERY DAY OF HER LIFE. I think her skirt was a little shorter than usual, but that's about it. She could have at least gone for a situationalist Barbie: Secretary Barbie. Labour Party Barbie. Unwed Stripper-Supporting-Her-Two-Kids Barbie. I was less than impressed. This was her party, and it was never going to be an actual tradition, if she wasn't going to try a little.
I went as Sid Vicious. Not terribly original, but pretty cool, and definitely easy since I had all the clothes. No fuss. The girl I was there with, that was another story. Amy J (no relation; and we all referred to the Amys as Amy and Amy J, respectively, to avoid confusion. I even called her that: Amy J). We'd been dating for a few months, but we'd been friends since junior year. We'd been buddies, I guess is the appropriate word. And all the sexual tension inherent in being buddies with a girl had vanished in a very strange way since we'd begun dating. We liked each other, but I think we both felt it was weird for some reason. I'm pretty sure we both did.
The point is, and I tried to talk her out of this, oh how I did try, Amy J came to the party as New York City. It sounds clever, and she did a nice job on the costume, which was a very large cardboard refrigerator box that she turned sidewise and cut apart to look like the New York City skyline. She attached straps and wore the box and had a shiny aluminum foil Chrysler Building hat she made. It sounds cute and everything else, but it was a terrible idea. The first rule of Halloween parties is Do Not Go Bulky. And she was bulky. It was just a big, awkward costume, and she couldn't really make it through the crowds much, so she sort of had to just stay planted in one room. She couldn't get into the tiny kitchen, either, so I had to get her beer for her.
Another problem with a costume like this: if someone annoying is talking to you, you can't say "I need more beer" and leave the room and ditch them. You have to keep talking to them until they get bored, which is invariably never. You're trapped. You can't mingle, and I like to mingle. I'm a mingler. I like to get out and meet the people, shake a few hands, kiss a few babies. But I felt like I sort of had to stick by her since she couldn't move around.
She should have just arrived in the costume, let people see it, then take it off or something and just have her Chrysler Building hat on. But she was really into the costume and my suggestion did not go over well.
New York needed a refill so I took her cup and went out through the kitchen to the back porch where the keg was. That's where I saw Ashley. Oh man. Ashley was dressed as Bettie Page and was laughing at something Captain Underpants had just said to her.
Ashley was really cool, really funny, and really gorgeous. We came this close to hooking up once my senior year, but she said was creeped out about my close relationship with Amy J. Like she thought Amy J would mind or something. Which she wouldn't have, since we weren't dating at the time. Anyway it never happened, but Ashley and I were still friends. I stayed and talked with her for a bit while the Captain went to get more beer. After a little while Ashley asked why I was double-fisting it, indicating the beer I was supposed to have brought to Amy J about 15 minutes ago. I explained about Amy J's costume. Ashley said it sounded cute, but she didn't say it sounded cute like she actually thought it sounded cute. She said it sounded cute like you'd say "Oh," or "I see," or "And you're dating this girl why?" I told her I'd catch her later and went to bring Amy J her beer.
When I got to her some guy who I think was dressed as a cell phone was making a joke about her twin towers. She gave him a look and he took off. Then she got immediately upset at ME because I didn't defend her honor or something. I told her it was just a joke, she should take it as a compliment, and besides it could be worse. At least no one had asked to have their picture taken next to her Lincoln Tunnel.
Well as you can imagine, that was the end of that. She left, and then people started asking me what happened, why'd she leave, what did I do, so I left.
I figured it wouldn't be that big a deal, sure I screwed up, but probably we shouldn't have been dating anyway. We'd go back to being friends and everyone would be happy. But for some reason everyone in our group started talking about how I'd been hitting on Ashley at the party, and could you believe what a jerk I was, and poor Amy J, and she deserves much better.
I have no idea who started this rumor about me hitting on Ashley, but the smart money's on Captain Underpants. Hundred bucks says he and Amy J are dating before the summer's over.
So basically, it's not going to work out for me here. What can I do. I have no credibility. Everyone thinks I'm a jerk, and it's not like I can just go on with social life as usual. All my friends are her friends. Anywhere I go, I'm going to see Amy J or Ashley. The social network isn't big enough for the three of us. The social network should have been better planned. It should have been able to accommodate breakups so people like me don't fall through the cracks. So a guy can lose his girlfriend and still have a chance with one of the other girls. But this social network is not like that.
I decided to move. I'm saving up money for a few more weeks, which it turns out is very easy without a social life. I've got a friend in another city looking for a roommate, and he's not my favorite guy ever but I'm going to take him up on it. I need to get my life jump-started again. The thing that sucks is the guy lives in Manhattan.
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This story was written for Johnny Nelson, who sent in the following request: "The story can be about anything as long as it includes something about a person named Ashley, and takes place in New York City. That may not be much to go on, but those are the only particulars i care about."
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